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BMX Jousting: An Ultimate Murder-Suicide Pact

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For some reason, my friends and I have a fascination with murder-suicide pacts. What type of horrible dark desires are pointed to in the recesses of our brains by this I have no idea – all I know is that, generally, these jokes are graphically over the top and hilariously dark. We generally find ways to try to top ourselves.

The other day my friend Steve, also known for being the creative c0-force behind the Pope game, and I were talking about how cool it would be if jousting was brought back as an extreme sport; however, it wasn’t enough.

BMX jousting
bikeportland.org

Sure, watching jousting at the Olympics would be the pinnacle of human civilization, but, still, we could do better. After all, horses are really old technology (unless if they are of the robotic unicorn kind) so there is a lot to be improved upon there.

So, we very quickly realized that horses should be completely leveraged out of the equation and should instead be replaced by BMX bikes. After all, if the joy of watching jousting comes from the inherent danger of the activity, then the excitement would surely be rocketedĀ to a whole new plain of extremeness by having the jousters be able to go close to a hundred miles per hour each.

Following from this logic, Steve and I decided that the best place to have these BMX jousting competetions would naturally be in the bottom of valleys. That way, the two contestants could start at opposite ends and really build up as much speed and momentum before clashing into each other.

How does this relate to murder-suicide pacts?, you may be miserably asking yourself. Well, obviously this entire sport is tailored specifically for people looking to kill themselves and someone else as brutally as possible. It is fully likely – Steve and I assume, from our knowledge of video game physics – that the person hit by the lance in the jousting would explode on the spot. The successful jouster would then be thrown off their bike by the extreme recoil, effectively also killing them. And voila! An effective murder-suicide pact methodĀ – that could also be turned into an immensely entertaining gladitorial sport – is born.

Of course, Steve and I also considered the futuristic problem of what if being impaled by a lance just doesn’t kill the jouster – you know, in case the person is a cyborg, or something. In that case, we rightly assumed – medically – that the jouster would only live as long as the lance was left inside them. So, really, they still only have as long to live as they choose.

It makes jousting sound fun again, doesn’t it?

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