Crouching Cougar

Crouching Cougar, Hidden Poontang

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It was 4:30 in the morning, and my friend Rosh and myself were standing outside McCormick’s (maybe) Irish Pub in SoBe. The weather was balmy and fresh and a temperate breeze was slowly idling it’s way down the streets from the ocean. Although bars were open until 5 am, the bouncer made us wait outside because of the cups of water we were holding.

“Where you kids from? Here for Spring Break?” the bouncer casually asked us, ready for the night to be over.

“Yeah, we’re from Jersey.”

“Oh? I heard you kids have a nice shore up there” he smirked.

“Yeah…yeah, we do.”

As the conversation petered out, the bouncer turned his attention to a woman standing next to him that I had failed to notice before. She looked exactly as how you would imagine a modern party girl to look – except Time had taken a sledgehammer to her. Hard. Her face was a leathery husk over a body tanned hundreds too many times.

“Look at these youngins,” she said to the bouncer in a voice like gravel scraping over asphalt. “Tryna act like they know how to party.”

“Hell, not everyone’s got the experience you got,” he playfully chided her.

“Not like they’d know what to do anyway, I bet” she responded. The two of them laughed and she punched the bouncer in the arm. Old friends are adorable.

“Yo, Rosh!” I tried to say nonchalantly, “check it, your favorite. MILF!”

“Nah, she’s not a MILF. Definitely a cougar…yup, cougar!”

I looked back at her – definitely a cougar, and on the prowl.

Suddenly, both the bouncer and the cougar were looking at us.

“So,” she said, “you guys looking for weed or a good time? You could come back and smoke with me, I got plenty” she rasped. A chill descended over us.

“Nah, uhh, we’re good” Rosh and I said in unison.

“Hah! See, I told you, these kids wouldn’t know what to do with me.”

“You guys

missing out,” said the bouncer. “This cougars got claws.” The two of them roared with laughter as Rosh and I slowly sidled away.

I ended up seeing the cougar again two nights later, at a different dive bar in SoBe. Somehow, out of the four nights I spent there for Spring Break, I managed to see her twice. ┬áIt must have been a sign…

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